7 Lies Christian Women Believe Because of Church Legalism
Examples of legalism in evangelical churches... and how to silence the shame narratives.
Church legalism is one of the most insidious forces shaping the internal world of Christian women.
It cloaks itself in righteousness, tradition, and scripture—but often leads to spiritual bondage rather than freedom.
While the gospel offers grace, many Christian women find themselves trapped in shame-fueled obedience to man-made rules that were never God’s intent.
Let’s name these lies for what they are, explore real examples of legalism in evangelical churches, and reclaim the unshakable confidence that comes from embracing our God-given identity as Christian women.
7 Lies Christian Women Believe Because of Church Legalism
1. It’s wrong for me to question anything.
This is one of the most common examples of legalism today.
Lay members (women and teens, especially) are often taught that questioning church teachings, pastors, or even theology is rebellious or divisive.
But spiritual maturity involves discernment, not blind submission. Jesus himself questioned the religious leaders of his time.
Healthy faith welcomes questions. Church legalism punishes them.
I often tell my teenagers, “Don’t believe anything you can’t question.” I wish someone had given me this advice when I was much younger.
2. The desire to be attractive, successful, or confident is wrong.
This is a prime example of spiritual legalism: the belief that “worldly” desires must always be sinful.
Scripture warns us that our carnal desires war against the spirit of God within us (Romans 6:19, Galatians 5:17, James 4:1,1 Peter 2:11), but this truth is taken grossly out of context within legalistic circles.
Many Christian women (myself included) have been shamed for wanting to wear makeup or nice clothes, make money, or get an education.
Confidence and success are not antithetical to holiness.
God created you with desires and dreams for a purpose. You absolutely can (and should) use your skills, personality, money, etc., for His glory.
3. My spiritual authorities always know what I need better than I do.
In spiritually legalistic environments, pastors or male leaders—or in some circles, parents (even of adult children)—are elevated to near-omniscient status. Everyone else is expected to unquestionably submit, even when instincts or discernment raise red flags.
This dismisses personal ability (and responsibility) to hear from God directly, or to hold spiritual leaders accountable when they are out of order.
I remember having a conversation with a sweet young woman who was in her mid-twenties several years ago. She was single, and spent the majority of her time volunteering in her church or helping her parents with her younger siblings.
I felt an overwhelming sadness when she told me, “My dad and my uncle (the pastor) know what’s best for me. I do everything to please them.”
Wise counsel is valuable, but “spiritual authorities” should never replace your own relationship with God—or override your agency as an adult.
4. My only “proper place” is in the home.
Christian legalism examples often tie womanhood solely to domesticity.
While homemaking, marriage, and motherhood are beautiful and sacred roles—I was a SAHM for nearly two decades—they are not the only holy calling for women.
This lie deeply dismisses and disqualifies the many remarkable women within the church body who do marry or have kids.
Whether you’re building a business, painting, preaching, or parenting, your place is wherever God calls you—not just where tradition has parked you.
5. If I’m struggling, it’s because I’m not faithful enough.
This lie weaponizes suffering and dismisses the human struggle of dealing with disappointment as a Christian.
It also implies that any hardship is the result of personal failure or spiritual weakness.
But even Jesus suffered. Paul struggled. David lamented (quite dramatically at times) throughout the Psalms.
Church legalism turns the Christian walk into a meritocracy, where pain is proof of a lack of faith.
Thank God, grace tells a different story.
6. God’s love for me depends on my obedience.
Perhaps the most dangerous lie of all.
Church legalism distorts God’s unconditional love into a transaction.
Follow the rules, get the blessing. Slip up, and feel the wrath.
But scripture is clear: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8).
God’s love for us flows out of his infallible nature—He is love. We cannot earn it or lose it.
One of the most damaging results of this lie is how it twists Christian parenting. Some of the harshest parents I know are devout believers—but what they believe about God (he is a harsh Father) makes grace-shaped parenting impossible.
Read also: “Healing the Father Wound (for Christian Daughters)”
7. There is absolutely no room for making a mistake.
This lie is often an unspoken but understood part of legalistic faith communities.
(Have a conversation with a girl who’s gotten pregnant before marriage or a divorced Christian woman, and you’ll see what I mean.)
The problem with this lie is that all humans are inherently flawed—and yes, sinful.
While there are consequences when we sin or mess up, very often what gets us back on track is connection and support from people we love—in other words, grace.
Spiritual legalism negates the truth that it’s the kindness of God—not the wrath or disappointment of God—that brings us to repentance (Romans 2:4).
I can tell you from experience that living in a place of fear of “messing up”—or constant guilt from past mistakes—is the opposite of the abundant, joyful life God provided us through Jesus Christ.
Silencing the Shame Narratives of Spiritual Legalism
The shame narratives that stem from church legalism often masquerade as humility, modesty, or reverence.
But make no mistake: shame is not holy.
Shame disconnects you from your identity, from your God-given authority, and from your calling.
Here’s how to begin silencing them:
Reclaim your voice: Start questioning the narratives you’ve been handed. Ask: Who does this belief serve? Is it rooted in grace or fear and control?
Rebuild your theology: Study scripture with fresh eyes (and in different versions, if you haven’t done that before). Look for how Jesus treated women. Notice how grace, not law, sets people free.
Return to intimacy with God: Let the Holy Spirit, not fear-based doctrine, guide your steps. God speaks to you, not just to your pastor, your parents, or other “spiritual leaders.”
Ready to Start Healing from Church Legalism?
If what I shared here resonates with you, it’s time to start owning your testimony of healing from legalism.
I’ve shared my story (and resources to help you heal and thrive) in a narrative-style guide: Unshakable Confidence: Embracing God-Given Identity with Grace, Style & Strength.
This is a digital product designed specifically for Christian women ready to dismantle spiritual legalism and step fully into who God created them to be.
Read more about Unshakable Confidence.
You don’t have to keep shrinking to fit someone else’s version of godliness.
You can live, lead, love, and thrive with confidence that comes not from performance, but from God-given, grace-shaped identity.
Your freedom starts now.
Veritas et gratia,
Kristy 💐
P.S. — Need a gentle nudge toward grace-shaped confidence?
This digital guide is a great place to start.
👉 Unshakable Confidence: Embracing God Given Identity with Grace, Style, & Strength
Amen and amen and amen to ALL that!!