A Word to the Pastor’s Wife – 10 Things You Should Know
Because being a pastor’s wife is hard and wonderful and surprising.
I was a pastor’s wife for 20 years. Ministry was (and still is) my vocation.
Not to be confused with vacation.
It’s my calling.
Sometimes it’s what I do best.
Other times, I feel like it’s what I’m least equipped to do.
Here’s the Tricky Part
Being a pastor’s wife is hard and wonderful and surprising.
Kind of like hiking up Pike’s Peak on my honeymoon.
The snow-capped mountains in early spring beckoned my young husband and me, promising an epic experience.
Off we went, full of energy and optimism.
We didn’t last a mile.
Why?
We weren’t prepared for the challenge.
No one warned us about the weather, recommended hiking gear, or suggested I not wear my favorite pair of Rothy’s.
And sadly, we didn’t think to ask.
Consider This Your Warning
Ministry life is a lot like hiking up a mountain.
Obstacles abound and it gets a bit lonely.
Bottom line: you need a guide.
I still haven’t mastered Pikes Peak. Probably never will.
But like I said—I was a pastor’s wife for 20 years.
Before you haul off toward that glistening peak with your preacher, let me hand over some hiking gear.
The fact you’re reading this post tells me you’re asking.
Here are ten things you need to know…
Quick glance:
1. You don’t have to be perfect.
You really don’t.
Embracing transparency as a pastor’s wife was one of my greatest challenges.
After all, who gives us permission to be real?
Bottom line: we have to give it to ourselves.
And give it we must.
Transparency isn’t just about authenticity or saving your sanity. (Although, I feel like those are both good enough reasons.)
But your church family needs you to cultivate a safe space so that they can grow too.
There’s already enough pretense and perfectionism in the church culture; let it end in your corner.
2. You Will Get Lonely
For some reason, this came as a bit of a surprise to me.
As an introvert, I’m not a socially high-maintenance person.
But like every other woman, I long to be known and understood. Those needs are not always met within the context of ministry life.
Sometimes you will feel misunderstood.
Other pastor’s wives may be too busy to listen or connect.
You may experience loneliness in your marriage.
Then there is the loneliness of physical distance from familiar places and family.
Bottom line: we can learn lessons in seasons of loneliness.
–> Here are four things loneliness in ministry has taught me about friendship.
3. You Need Community Outside the Church
In hindsight, one of the biggest things I did well as a pastor’s wife was to not limit my community (or my kids’ community) within the four walls of our church.
The benefits of having “outside” community are many—accountability, a safe place to be yourself, exposure to new people and ideas.
But a benefit I didn’t count on needing was a place to land in the aftermath of church trauma.
The friendships, connections, and relationships my kids and I had in place outside the church became anchors that carried us through a deeply painful season of recovering from church hurt.
Honestly, we’re still recovering. And those safe friendships we had in place? Still going strong.
Bottom line: Don’t let the church become your “only:” only friends, only community, only work. Build a life outside the walls of where you serve.
4. Get Proactive About Your Finances Now
If you’re a week or a decade into vocational ministry, this minute is the time to take action about your family’s financial well being.
Because here’s the hard fact: Your church isn’t going to do it for you.
I know there are exceptions to this, but painful life experience has taught me that no one cares as much as you do about whether or not you have a roof over your head, money for groceries, or a retirement plan.
So you’d better care and you’d better take action.
And yes, I mean you. Your husband isn’t the only one with skin in the game, so don’t sit back. Start saving and investing—and if there isn’t enough of your husband’s ministry income to go around, then figure out a way to start earning so that you can start saving.
I use Acorns for all things finances:
Savings
Stocks & investments
Roth IRA for retirement
Kids’ savings and investing
Acorns also provides free access to extra life insurance, financial literacy resources, help setting up a will, banking options for your family, and more.
If finances feel overwhelming, stressful, or even shameful—you’re not alone. I’ve been there. And I can tell you that you don't have to have a lot of knowledge, experience, or even money to start making changes.
Set up an Acorns account today. You can literally kick start your financial profile by investing spare change. (You’ll get a $5 bonus from me when you use this link to make your first investment, no matter how small.)
I’ve seen too many ministry families lose everything they have—their home, income, and financial security—when churches fold, fire, or simply neglect to take care of their pastor.
And like I said, I’ve been there. It’s devastating, scary, and honestly, unnecessary.
Get proactive about your family’s financial wellness right now. If you’re a beginner and need a simple, user-friendly investment platform, get set up with Acorns today. You’ll be so glad you did!
5. Your Marriage Is a Top Priority (Don’t Neglect It)
Unlike every “normal” job that “normal” men have, your husband’s vocation isn’t exclusive.
You are part of his team.
Even if your church has a staff, and even if you hold down a job separate from ministry life- you’re still on the team.
This dynamic can be wild and wonderful on the good days—and a life-sucking drain during more difficult seasons.
Ministry life will affect your marriage like few other vocations.
This is why prioritizing the health of your marriage isn’t an option—and I’m not just talking about scheduling weekly date nights and having enough sex. (Although those are important and yes, fun parts of it.)
A wise woman once said, “You can’t really ‘work’ on your marriage, you can only work on yourself.” I think this is a good point to remember.
Jeremy and I have been married for 23 years, and worked in vocational ministry the entirety of our marriage and adult lives (even before we were married).
After decades of ministry life, marriage, and some really hard knocks in both along the way, I can tell you this—the ONLY way you can “work on your marriage” is to work on yourself. (Because you can’t “work on” your husband, he has to do that himself.)
In other words, invest in your personal growth—so you can contribute to your marriage surviving and thriving under the pressures of ministry life.
–> Let me recommend a book:
Boundaries in Marriage, by Drs. Cloud and Townsend
I also recommend finding a trusted counselor, mentor, or life coach (or all of the above) to help you along your journey.
6. Your Kids Need a Safe Place
And chances are high that the church isn’t it.
PKs typically grow up feeling like more is expected of them than of their peers. The most important dynamic is that you are your kids’ safe place.
It’s also important to realize that your kids are not “a shining example.” They are kids. Like all kids they need space to grow, stretch, question, and learn from mistakes.
Make room for your kids’ humanity and personalities.
It’s okay if your kids don’t always like ministry life. Who says they have to love it all the time? (Heck, I don’t.)
Raising preacher’s kids—and being a preacher’s kid—is hard work! Give yourself permission to walk a grace-filled journey alongside your children.
Bottom line: preacher’s kids are along for the hike (where they want to or not), and they need a patient guide.
7. Control Your Tongue
Preacher’s wives often know too much.
People tell things you wish you didn’t know, and ask questions you don’t want to answer.
Discretion is a concept you need to get acquainted with.
My kids have a running joke in our house about all the times they’d been told, “Don’t repeat that!”
Even the preacher’s kids can learn to watch their mouths.
Learn the art of knowing when to hold your tongue, what needs to be said and when to say it.
8. Self-Care is Essential
Hikers are encouraged to keep it light.
Ministry life is anything but lightweight. That’s why you have to learn to let go of what you can’t carry.
Many a night my husband and I collapsed into bed on a Sunday night (Sundays are tough!) and looked at each other with weary eyes.
“Alarms off?” he’d ask.
That’s his way of saying, We need rest. Sleep in.
Bottom line: practice self-care so you can travel light.
Need help with self-care? Grab my Self-Care Kit for Christian Women to get started.
9. You Can’t Save the World
You can’t. But you will probably try.
And it will probably wear you out, burn you out, and make you crazy.
Because God never called you to rescue everyone or fix anyone’s problems. God is the only One who can rescue or fix.
It will be easy to try to play God in people’s lives, and sometimes people will expect you to.
Don’t.
Love well. Listen well. Serve well.
But live with healthy boundaries.
Bottom line: let God be God so you can be human.
10. You Are a Leader (Like It Or Not)
Most of us prefer our comfort zone.
As a pastor’s wife, God will allow you to be stretched far beyond your natural level of comfort.
You may leave everything familiar and live among strangers.
You may be asked to lead in some capacity within your church or community. If you are a natural “follower,” this will feel hard.
Conversely, if you are a natural leader following someone else’s lead (sometimes even your husband’s!) might be hard for you.
Whatever your personality, resist the urge to stay in your comfort zone.
They may be God’s tools for cultivating lasting growth in your life.
Bottom line: you’ll never reach the mountain peak if you stay on soft ground.
A Safe Space for Pastor’s Wives & Women in Ministry
Craving a community of life-minded women who “get” you?
Consider this your personal invitation to join The Honest Pastor’s Wife, a private FB community just for women in ministry.
Inside you’ll get access to ongoing support, encouragement, resources, and events… join now!
I’ll see you inside the community.
Veritas et Gratia,
Kristy💐