You Can Lead Yourself (Even When No One Ever Taught You How)
Spiritual maturity begins with agency.
I didn’t have the words for it back then.
I only knew I was tired:
Tired of asking permission to be a person.
Tired of trying to make everyone happy.
Tired of ignoring my God-given intuition because “obedience” mattered more than anything else.
I didn’t know to call it spiritual codependency.
Or enmeshment. Or loss of agency.
I just knew something didn’t feel right.
Read also: “What is Church Legalism? And How Do I Know If I’ve Been Living Under it?”
When Obedience Looks Like Disappearing
I had been a good girl in a good church. I’d studied the Bible, memorized verses, volunteered, and showed up with a smile—even when I was breaking inside.
But somewhere along the way, I’d confused “being a good Christian” with becoming invisible.
I thought I was being faithful by denying myself.
But the truth was, I’d never really developed a healthy, Spirit-formed sense of self to deny.
Immaturity Isn’t Your Identity
I remember years ago, reading something by Sally Clarkson that stopped me in my tracks.
She said many Christians are told to “deny yourself,” but no one ever helped them develop a self in the first place.
And that’s not maturity. It’s dysfunction disguised as discipleship.
Also read: “7 Lies Women Believe Because of Church Legalism”
The apostle Paul spoke to this when he wrote:
“I had to feed you with milk, not with solid food, because you weren’t ready for anything stronger. And you still aren’t ready.” (1 Corinthians 3:2, NLT)
]I get it now.
Denying yourself is mature when it flows from a place of identity; when you know who you are in Christ, and your obedience is rooted in love—not fear.
But when you live without identity, without agency, without healthy boundaries or personhood—what you call “discipleship” might just be spiritual immaturity wrapped in people-pleasing.
I don’t say that to shame us. I say it because I lived it.
But thank God, there’s a way forward.
I spent years doing the “right things” but felt emotionally stuck and spiritually burned out.
If you feel like that’s you too, there are three small steps you can take toward self-leadership today.
Three Gentle Steps Toward Self-Leadership
Start noticing. Pay attention to what drains your energy or causes internal tension. These are cues from your body and spirit that something’s out of alignment. Before you try to “fix it,” get curious about it.
Practice agency. Begin making small decisions that honor both your faith and your personhood. Whether it’s saying no to a church obligation or taking a walk instead of answering your phone, you’re allowed to choose from a place of wisdom and freedom.
Nurture your inner life. Read books that challenge you to grow in grace. Take walks. Pray honestly. Journal. Build inner strength through spiritual and emotional rhythms that ground you.
You’re Safe to Grow
You’re safe to grow, my friend. God delights in every small, faithful step you take toward Him.
If you need a gentle tool to help you get started, I created something for you:
✨ “The Grace Reset”—a reflective tool to help you begin leading yourself from a place of grace-shaped identity rather than guilt.
(You’ll receive it for FREE when you subscribe, plus you’ll get weekly Grace Notes delivered to your inbox.)
We’re not meant to walk this road alone.
I’m honored to walk beside you, one grace-filled step at a time.
Thank you for being here.
Veritas et gratia,
Kristy 💐